Thomas Schwanke, 18, a freshman at SIU-Edwardsville, was found at 7:40 a.m. this morning in the basement of a dormitory after apparently falling anywhere from two to ten stories down a trash chute. According to police, he had been laying there for almost six hours.
Witnesses who had seen Schwanke earlier in the morning indicated that he had been drinking. However, there is still no word on the certainty of that statement. Campus police are following this matter very closely in order to make sure no one else was harmed in the act.
Mary Rouse, Dean of Students here at the university was quoted saying, "the incident again raises concern about alcohol abuse on campus." Whether or not there was in fact alcohol abuse is still uncertain, but it cannot be ruled out at this point.
Schwanke is currently being held at Anderson Hospital in Maryville, just down the road from campus. When asked about Schwanke's condition, hospital officials elected to decline any comment on the extent of his injuries, as well on whether or not Schwanke had been drinking.
You have the right lead, but remember the name can wait until the 2nd sentence. Instead, in the lead, say "A student" or "a freshman student..."
ReplyDeleteIn writing for newspapers, save attribution for the end of a sentence ("police said.")
In general, shorten your writing, use fewer words: Try, "Witnesses say they saw Schwanke drinking."
Be careful about expanding on the info you were give. You don't know that "police are following this matter closely in order to make sure no one else was harmed in the act."
No need to say Rouse was "quoted as saying." Just quote her!
Don;t speculate about alcohol. Just report what you know, what police said, what witnesses said.
Shorten last paragraph dramatically.